The ability to let go is essential to life. From the time we are very young and have to let go of the idea that our needs be met instantly and the world revolves around us, to, in the teenage years, the desire to be an adult so we could do as we please, only to find out that the needs and the responsibilities of adulthood far outweigh our wants.

When I got married, I had to let go of the fairytale idea of happily ever after and embrace the reality that two imperfect people could not have a perfect relationship. I was not the perfect princess, and he was not a knight in shining armor. Though after 48 years, we are coming closer to that happily ever after.

As we embark on the journey of motherhood—physical or spiritual—we have expectations of who we want to be for others. As we teach, direct, or mentor, we must let go of our own desire to be anything but what and who we are and simply love the best we can. Letting go of the idea of what and who I wished I were, and instead, embracing who I am, was probably one of the most difficult things I have ever done. Accepting who I am and letting God use me as I am has transformed me.

As my children grew up, there were many moments of letting go. Whether it was allowing them to experience consequences, whether as a toddler or a teen, letting go of some control, or allowing enough freedom for them to discover life for themselves. They continually let go as they make choices and decisions contrary to my “perfect” advice, as they move forward in life, and as they try to stay relevant. Pieces of my heart walk out my door, and I must learn to let go instead of running to grab them and holding on tight.

One of the toughest instances of letting go has been when it was necessary to distance myself, for a time, from an adult child who was not safe for our family. Physically, I was able, but my heart was still grasping for them.

When my son died at the age of thirty-four as a result of an addictive lifestyle, I had to again let go. I had to free myself of the guilt, the anger, and the many regrets. I had to surrender him to God. I haven’t let go of the pain—for that is all I have left—but I keep it close to my broken heart along with my precious memories, until we meet again.

As I get older, letting go of my idea of health and a sharp mind has led to much surrender. I’ve had to put my well-being into his most capable hands. It is hard to let go of my youth.

My mom passed away last year. I had been letting go for years as she became more frail and less “mom.” Letting go of the fact that she was no longer the mom who was my go-to when I needed answers I couldn’t find. She lived with me the last year of her life, and by the time she died, I was sure I was ready to let go, even hoping for Jesus to take her hand and lead her to eternity. I was far from ready. I had been her caretaker in one way or another for years, and there was some relief in that responsibility being gone, but once she was gone, I was just a little girl needing her Mama.

At this point in my life, we are living in retirement, though I still have a disabled daughter at home, along with a 22-year-old. My opportunities to let go are much different today. It was hard to let go of what I thought retirement would be like. It died a slow, agonizing death, but I have let go and am letting God lead me into a future unknown. That’s very scary for me, but I’m trying to be open to the adventure ahead.

Letting go of my dreams and hopes for my 14 children and 49 grandchildren has had many ups and downs. Letting go of mine and trying to support theirs, or at least being a loving and listening ear, has proved to be challenging. I have found myself at times having to let go of the idea of who I thought they were and wanted them to be, and accept and love them as they are or who they are becoming—putting them in God’s hands.

Life is a constant letting go. These are but a few. The hardest for me is my understanding of God the Father, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit, based on my woundedness. As I am learning my true identity, through much healing, it has been most difficult to let go of my weaknesses. Fear, distrust, pride, arrogance, self-sufficiency, control, shame, lust, regrets, judgements, and expectations of myself, others, and God. There are probably many others. I am definitely still a work in progress.

God is so very good and loving. He takes me where I am and doesn’t try to pry my fingers from the things I grasp so tightly. He does invite me to loosen my grip, to trust him, and simply let go.