“Let’s go, Lord. I’m all in. I am at the service of your Kingdom.” Full of fervor and joy, I entered marriage ready to live out my vocation with my whole heart. I knew the joy of being called, and I was committed to become a gift of self through being a wife and mother.

Our beautiful babies came in quick succession. In the first five years, we lost four children and welcomed two girls. Then, seven weeks after our son was born, we found ourselves moving for the third time to another new city. The transformation of my life was wholly unexpected and painful for me. I had been unprepared for the demands, the unrelenting nature, and the prioritizing of a baby’s needs over my own. I hadn’t expected my marriage to go from carefree romance to the workhorse of keeping things together. It all crept up on me, until I found myself endlessly behind on the house, stressed about buying church clothes on a tight budget, and powering through morning sickness while managing sibling squabbles over who gets the blue cup.

I didn’t know what to make of all of this. Life was not what I expected! And so I offered it up. I prayed. I endured. Oh, and I complained. A lot. My dear spiritual director would listen to my heartache and observe the same theme: “non-spiritual desolation.” Nevertheless, I slipped into becoming a martyr mom. I put all of my determination into being a mother whose love knows no limits, not realizing that my humanity does. My gift of self lost the “self.” I was a cheerless giver.

At this moment, God sent me a “one degree” course correction through Jennifer Fulwiler and her book, Your Blue Flame. It opened my eyes to my unique talents, joys, and, ultimately, to rediscovering my creative humanity. It re-opened the door to that fervor I felt on my wedding day—“Let’s go, Lord.”

One of my “blue flames” is a tremendous love of learning. So, I went searching for answers. Why is this all so hard? It lit me up to put the pieces together of our societal inheritance, to be able to identify why this historical moment is a particularly demanding one for families. I felt reprieve as I realized there is simply too much put on the shoulders of parents. Then another blue flame kicked in: creative problem solving. How can we make this better? I asked my husband to install swings indoors, so that I could push little people while in my pjs with a cup of coffee and a podcast. I also stopped reading chore charts and started philosophizing about home management. We continue to find ways to make our family life better and accept (or try to accept) ways we can’t.

I am several years down that course correction now and with three more babies. Instead of a martyr mom, I am a Catholic mom. I am still determined to show up for my family, but now I see my limitations are part of my self-gift. Now, I am pleased not only to give my family my care, but also my joy.