Some years ago, when my kids were young, our family took a camping trip. One of our kids in particular did not like camping and was unashamed about saying so. All the time. The whole trip. Complaint after complaint after complaint. At one point my husband said good-naturedly, “Wow! It’s amazing. I haven’t heard you complain for at least ten minutes. Are you OK?” It was one of those vacations where afterwards, as a mom, you need your own vacation. As Christians, we have a pretty clear sense that there is something amiss in complaining. And we can give ourselves a really good guilt trip for giving in to it ourselves. We hear Exodus 16 at Mass one day and think, yep, that’s me; I’m just like the Israelites in the desert grumbling against God. I should be more grateful. I should stop complaining.

We may remember Philippians 2: Do all things without grumbling or disputing. Or we think of St. Paul: I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. And what about Christ himself? He was oppressed, and he was afflicted, yet he opened not his mouth. All that is true. And yet . . . Scripture also teaches us that God wants to know our struggles. He wants to know our challenges, our sufferings, our difficulties, and our pain. In fact, a relationship with God requires vulnerability, honesty, and truth. In Scripture, there is a difference between complaint and lament. The Israelites in the desert complained and accused God of wanting to starve them. The Israelites in the Psalms lamented their suffering and appealed to God to answer according to his goodness and love. As N.T. Wright says, “A complaint is an accusation against God that maligns his character, but a lament is an appeal to God based on confidence in his character.”

Rather than harming our relationship with God, true lament rests on a firm relationship in which we can bring our needs before him and cry out for help. It acknowledges suffering—my own and others—and brings it where it belongs: to the hands of a compassionate and merciful Father. And if you pray a psalm of lament to the end, you will find that however much lamenting is involved, it ends with a commitment to praise the Lord.

So, if you find yourself complaining, ask yourself: Is this a complaint or a lament? If it’s a complaint, change it to a lament: ask how you can invite God into your difficulty and appeal to his goodness with confidence and trust. Then, like the psalmists, take a moment to offer a word of praise.