There are moments when all of us feel abandoned by God. Jesus, in his human nature, certainly felt this on the cross when he cried out, ‘Father, why have you abandoned me?’ (Mt 27:46). Recently, I had my moment of crying out when we received our third autism diagnosis for our children. I managed to smile at the doctor and say, “Oh yes, it’s no big deal, I’ve been through this twice before. I guess it is just our life.” When I got out to the car, though, and looked again at the word autism on the paper, the tidal wave began flowing. With our other two boys also having this same diagnosis, one severe, this seemed to be the epitome of unfairness to me. Caleb was supposed to be my normal one. He was supposed to be the one who wouldn’t struggle to do normal activities, would call me mom, interact with his sister, and be able to play catch with his dad. The pain enveloped me, and I became angry at God for allowing this to happen again. The next couple of weeks, I found it difficult to accomplish even basic daily tasks. I kept looking at my three boys, and the anger and pain would return in waves. How could this be my life? How could God do this to me? There is no way I can handle this.
Grief often blinds us to the reality of the situation around us. Pain puts a mask over our eyes. A good friend, who had a sense of the pain I was dealing with, told me one day to reflect on the Gospel from Easter when Mary Magdalene could not recognize Jesus at the tomb because she was so blinded by her grief. My eyes have so much pain and anger around them that I cannot see Jesus standing in front of me. He is there, though, in my boys. My vocation of motherhood is being lived out in a way I certainly did not expect, but this is the plan God has for me. When I am able to remove the blinders, I can see Jesus smiling in my boys’ faces. They are my path to heaven.
The moment of Jesus crying out on the cross came right before his greatest triumph. He fell and was then raised up. Jesus did not hide his pain but, in his anguish, drew closer to his Resurrection by calling out to God. In our darkest moments and our desperate cries, Jesus is there to wipe the tears and pull us back on the path to where we are meant to be.
